Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
