hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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