Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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