Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
