The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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