In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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