I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
