I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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