He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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