im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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