we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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