Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
