I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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