Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
