With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
