I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
