Where did you get a picture of my penis
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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