Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
