Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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