Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
