bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
