I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
