Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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