not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
