I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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