i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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