I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
