my mouth tastes like poor choices
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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