I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
