you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
