The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
