I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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