idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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