My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
