I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize