I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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