I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize