im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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