Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
