dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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