I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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