i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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