And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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