I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
