Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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