Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
