i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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