I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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