No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
