note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
