He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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