I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
