He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
