I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
