My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize