If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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