im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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