I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
