i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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