im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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