oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
