If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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