i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Soap is not a condiment
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Randomize
