The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
